For some reason the arches of my feet are aching a lot and I wish someone would just hold them and gently press. You don't get the same pleasure doing it yourself; and mind you I'm usually the one GIVING massages not receiving them.
Feeling very touchy and huggy right now but my sister is bathing and my mother locked her room door cause she's tired of me sneaking in and sleeping there and according to her 'taking up all the space'. I do not! Neither do I 'confine her to a tiny corner and forcibly subject her to being my bolster'. Mothers I tell you tsk tsk tsk.
Anyway came home around 1 from Uncle Raj and Aunty Shobha's house in Sentosa. Yes SENTOSA. They live in Sentosa Cove and their house is drop dead gorgeous. From their balconies you get a fantastic view of the port, the harbour, the IR, the private yacht berth. You can imagine (actually you can't) but it's breathtaking. The rent is something like 13k a month and the house costs 20 million. OMG is right.
Was a good evening despite general feeling of sickliness and ugliness due to sickly nature. Brat.
Today was fun but as usual there was one thing that kept niggling at me and that was the whole acceptance thing.
I really don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I call myself Singaporean but local people still regard me as an expat and expats call me Singaporean. I go to a local school, 90% of my friends are Chinese, I speak a fair bit of Singlish, I feel pride for this country's achievements and I believe that this land and this soil is my own. I really like Singapore, I do. I'm proud to be Singaporean but what does that actually mean? Do we have a national identity? Honestly, I'd say no. In a multicultural society it is impossible to have a single national identity simply because identity is tied so closely to race, and in some cases, religion too.
If you were to identify with someone in a group of strangers, normal human tendency is to go for someone who looks/talks/behaves like you. And most of the time that would be a person of the same ethnicity as yours. It's normal human behaviour, that's just the way we are. It is difficult to immediately bond with someone of a different race because they fundamentally start of as different. Different food, different habits. But yes, I must agree that over time these habits do dissolve and merge but what happens is not an equal merger. Usually the minority follow the majority lifestyle and way of living. That's the way things work.
And this is where things become problematic for me. I have expat parents who are Singaporean by passport but Indian by heart. So for them, they still feel like they're NRIs even though they aren't anymore. NRI kids go to international schools simply cause they're expats and can afford it. We can't, because we aren't. But our social circle is one that does. So my sister and I feel rather left out. We make friends with the Singaporean Indians but here comes the problem of education level, family status, habits and so on. I am by no means an elitist or a bigot but yes, I do believe that educational and social standing are almost directly related and majority of the local Indians do not match up to the standards expats expect of their kids. For my parents it's hard to connect with the parents of our friends cause they're not like them and even the kids find us odd and different because we don't talk or eat like them.
The problem is that we're the in between generation. Our kids will be through and through Singaporeans. They'll fit in right here; no expat blood in their veins. But I don't.
I'm not even in that school for God's sake. Everyone looks down on me. I feel the need to stand up for my country, for my nation when people badmouth Singapore. What do they know? They're here today, gone tomorrow but I've always lived here and will probably continue to for a long time. I know my country. But I don't really belong myself, so what can I say in Singapore's defence?
My sister has it slightly easier. At least in her school there are one or two girls somewhat like us. Some more Indian, some less. It's not much but it's something and she's having fun :) but I've never had an Indian friend that much like me.
I'm not disregarding my friends. I appreciate them a LOT. I really do! It's just sometimes you need someone who knows what the situation is like without having to explain.
I don't know if this'll make sense to anyone reading. If you're part of the majority, you might not get it. Ha. Lucky. If you're part of the minority, you'll get most of it. (but thanks Grey, for the advice :)
I guess, in the end, there's no one exactly like you, but I'd like a set of close Indian friends like my sister. (not that I don't like my Chinese friends..it's just..hard to get them to watch Hindi movies or listen to songs or make stupid puns in Tamil or Hindi. And language does make you closer. English is all well and good but it's not ours to claim. Only our mother tongue is.) I'm quite jealous of her.
Yeah, acceptance is important to me.
DS holds a lot more importance in my heart than merely pleasing my mother. It's about pleasing myself too.
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