Performed today in the morning. It was okay but with every performance, every song, every practice and every class I'm starting to dislike what I do more and more.
I don't get why people say I'm 'talented'. I'm not. Seriously. I do many things but I don't do them very well and I don't have any interest in any of the things I do. It's kind of sad but maybe the fine arts are just not my thing.
You see people enjoy doing whatever they do either because
1. They like the environment and the people
2. They like what they're doing
3. And most importantly, they find that they're GOOD at whatever they do.
People who dance or sing or play a sport enjoy what they're doing because they realise that their body, or their mind is suited for those activities. People who don't appreciate music rarely go and pick up an instrument but a person who finds that music strikes a chord within them (haha geddit) will actively go and look for other instruments to try out. The same for people who play a sport. If they enjoy what they're doing or find that they're good at it then they'll start making a conscious effort to improve their stamina so that they can play better right.
In the end it all boils down to initial interest.
I don't deny that interests develop but don't you think that 10 years is long enough for that interest to develop if it were really something I like? After TEN whole years if I still don't enjoy the fine arts then what's the POINT.
And I hate it when people say you shouldn't give up because you've already invested so much money and time and effort and that you're good at it. I mean after ten years of doing anything OF COURSE you'll be good right. You've been learning your alphabets and letters for your entire life span now, at this age DUH you'll be proficient in English. Repetition makes anyone good. But it's only if you take the effort do you reap returns right. If a person is serious about improving his/her language abilities then she'll read up or practice more and find ways to improve but if she's not interested then she'll be fine at whatever standard she reaches just from minimal contact with speaking/that activity.
I don't think I'm a good dancer, I'm not expressive enough.
I don't think I'm a great singer. My voice is clear and strong but I don't have that good a ear and I have a slightly nasal voice which doesn't suit the style I sing.
I don't think I play the violin great. My fingers are slow and picking up the speed is difficult. Plus the violin is such a finicky instrument. When it's played well it sounds beautiful but most of the time it's not played well and that sounds really really terrible. It's not like the piano which makes plinky plonky noises where even if the notes are off doesn't sound screechy and unbearable.
It's hard explaining this because after so many years people assume I have an interest and want to advance.
But I don't.
And I don't come from a family which is very artistically inclined. Both my parents didn't have the opportunity and while my father is interested he can't really appreciate music and stuff and my mother doesn't even come near such activities.
I don't see a career in this and I don't think it's adding any value to me except an added line in my certificate.
I'm very upset because I think it's such a waste of effort of money of TIME and of my life.
I don't know what I like to do, I really don't. That's mainly because I didn't have the chance to try things. My parents drafted me into this from the time I was six and you know how the arts are like. You require months of practice for a minute's performance. That's true for everything yes I don't deny the fact - you study three months of Maths for three hours of exams, just to get that measly A. But that is something that everyone HAS to do. Dancing or singing is neither compulsory nor necessary (in my view).
I've learnt enough to identify songs, I can sing, I can correct other people but I'm not interested in taking this skill more than this.
Okay fine, so I don't like to sing or dance or play the violin. What exactly DO I like to do then?
Play basketball?
Too fat.
Act?
Too ugly.
Model?
Too short.
Arts and crafts?
Can't draw.
Squash?
Hand eye coordination a bit off.
Write?
Not very well.
Geography? Maths?
No. No.
Design?
Not creative.
Debate?
Not really.
Compere?
Not very keen.
Cooking?
Too lazy.
So what DO I like to do?
Eat. Sleep. Read. Talk. Analyse people. Logical thinking. Fixing things.
Yeah fantastic interests, GREAT SKILLS.
I feel like such a failure all the time and the pressure is really getting to me and making me annoyed and irritable. I'm scared. I'm so scared and I'm not sure why. I don't want to be a loser but it looks like that's all I'm cut out to be.
I can't research, I don't study well, I'm not funny, I can't even keep two friends. I'm fat I'm ugly I take interest in nothing I spend time doing useless stuff and in the end I'm going to end up a road sweeper or something because that's all I seem to be capable of.
I don't have clear skin or great teeth, I'm short and dark. My hair's a mess and my eyes are so small. My ears stick out. All the time I'm surrounded by beautiful capable confident people and I feel so insecure and inferior and STUPID and so so so so small.
I seem to know a lot of things but really all I do is observe. I think but not with the dexterity of my sister. She can summarise and is so succinct and clear that all I want to do is leave. Go away. Go far far away somewhere.
I love her and I can't say I'm jealous but she's good at so many things and she's NATURALLY good at it and I can't seem to do anything at all.
I wish I had some skill or talent or at least an interest in something.
And I'm such a self pitying piece of shit (as _ never fails to remind me).
Okay so I'm not bad at languages. But so what. What can I do with that. I had to give up Chinese long ago so I could concentrate on Bio and I quit Hindi in Primary School because I didn't have the aptitude. I like organising parties and events but you need skills of persuasion and when you look at me there's nothing that's alluring or persuasive in the least. It's like I'm going round in concentric circles and hitting..nothing.
I'm only x years old. I've got so many years left to go and my only skill is insulting people. Great.
I'm never had anyone like me because I'm too domineering and pushy and a total witch. I like people too quickly and too much and it never gets reciprocated and I screw things up and I just never learn.
Sometimes I can see why people commit suicide but I don't even think I can do that - I'm just too lazy to find a high enough ledge to jump off. Plus I don't think I have the guts.
I really want to get out and leave and go somewhere. But where will I go, what will I do?
I feel vulnerable and scared now.
I can't see why my parents want to even HAVE me as a kid. I'd be disgusted with a weak character like me.
Once in a while someone'll come up and say 'oh you're so good at something' and I'll feel happy for a while but the thing they say I'm good at will be something inconsequential like tying shoelaces or organising a small event. And however much these people come and tell me I'm good at something my parents will turn around and say I'm not good or that someone else is better. The rare occasion I do get praised it feels like they're only saying that because they're my parents. I always get the impression that my mother's whole goal in life is to put me down. I can never be as good as them and I'm so tired of trying because it gets me nowhere. I know they're 'doing it for my own good' but I find it hard to respect people who have flaws I just can't understand or accept.
I just can't help admire the wonderful people around me because simply, you guys are great. When I say something I mean it. I never praise anyone or call them beautiful or talented just like that. In my eyes you've achieved something I wish I could achieve too. I'm proud to have friends like you I swear I do. It's just that if I were you, then I wouldn't be thrilled about having me for a friend.
My eyes hurt and I know this a terribly long and insecure post I'm sorry to have subjected you to this lengthy discourse on an atrocious part of my personality.
Get on with life, S.
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