Myriad emotions.

There's this tugging feeling somewhere within me and it's been there all this week.

As you might have surmised/concluded/estimated/guessed/deduced this week hasn't been very good emotionally.

Heh maybe Grey and I exchanged emotions? Last week Grey felt bad and this week it's me.

My fortune cookie says that it's just an infatuation and that should be consolation really but it isn't. I don't want it to be an infatuation I don't I don't I don't. I want to feel something real for once not an obsession not a liking not something trivial. I want this to be the moment when there is some substance in what I feel.

But it can't be.

Heh, what rubbish. Teenage rambling?

It's been tough.

--

I've been sick this week. Grey says I've been really quiet and not myself. That's partially due to the not-feeling-well excuse and partly because I don't really feel very social/sociable. I've been thinking about a lot of things and sometimes I just want to be alone with one or two really close friends in comfortable silence or just chill and enjoy ourselves. But I don't have that here. I don't resent the company but sometimes crowds can get very annoying and I tend to draw back into my shell when that happens.

Which is what has been happening this entire week basically.

I don't have that one-to-one with anyone. And I really really miss that. With L or with C or with V just sitting together or talking about random things feels really good. Or sitting in a small group just me, C and V talking about life and how we feel about things and the people around us the events around us. Here it's like a huge mess of .. nothing? There's no substance in anything. Like nothing real, no one says what they really want to say because in the group there are people whom you don't really trust and don't really want to talk to about these things and that really limits bonding don't you think? Like you can enjoy yourself but don't feel satisfied. Ever felt that way before?

Some people work great in huge groups and all the people I've met this year happen to be like that. Grey, CG, XX are all people who've come from large cliques or go out with many people. I network well I have friends but this huge group thing is something I just cannot do. I'm not finding fault with anyone, really. I think it's great you guys are like that 'cause it makes things easier and so much more fun but somehow I just can't do it. Not always, not all the time.

Sometimes, like this week when I really want to talk to someone and I want to cry my heart out and want someone to listen to me and just hug me and say it's okay I feel like I have no one. It's not that you guys aren't here for me, I know you are. I trust you I love you all but how? When? Where? What do I say?

I have friends who are slightly self obsessed and however much I listen they always have something more to add and to say going on and on and on and on. I don't mind listening to you but once in a while hear me out please.

I have friends who don't really like physical contact. This I find a little hard to deal with. For me, reassurance that you're there is actually literally FEELING that you're there. And without that comfort..let's just say that it can be tough.

I have friends who can seem a little too carefree and insincere but they aren't really. But how do I start talking to you when all you do is react the same way in every situation?

I miss being with L at school. Our friendship is the most imperfect, volatile one ever but still I enjoy it.

You know what Shay, I'm disgusted with you.