Have to print and read 1600 pages now.

I was just thinking in the bus on the way home with Akshy that life was just too good to be true and of course that meant some crap was going to happen right?

I do feel guilty, I do. Don't think I don't realise how much money goes into this. I do and I have told you about it before. You just refuse to listen. I have disliked dance since age 12, what makes you think I will like it any more now? I don't bunk pattu right. Why don't I? Simple; because I like it. I may not be good but I enjoy it and I am comfortable with my voice - more than I am with my face or my body.

Seriously if you ask me to come up with an alternative for the time that will now be freed up, I can't give you one simply because I don't know what I am interested in. I really haven't the chance to experiment or try but that is no reason to purposely force dance onto me. I dislike performing, dislike acting, it's not something I am comfortable with and that will not change. I was a self conscious child and now I am a self conscious young adult. I cannot let myself go. I cannot do abhinaya, I cannot exaggerate my expressions and just dance - free without inhibitions. If you are frustrated, so am I. I don't pick up dance easily, it doesn't interest me, I have to put up with people and an environment I do not feel comfortable in. What do you want me to do?

I agree that it has been great in giving me a lot of exposure and letting me try things but I think 12 years is more than enough time to decide that I don't like it.

To add to this mess is M who makes everything worse with her acid tongue. Yeah, at this point I need you more than ever and giving me the cold shoulder goes against the very reason why you are mad at me in the first place. If I don't get this, you'll be disappointed too but you'll never ever acknolwdge that you played a bigger part in the destruction than the creation.

Have been doing some research and some dreaming but none of it will come to fruition unless a miracle strikes before D-day.

Yesterday's Yugadi thing at the Perumal temple was okay but wasn't really interesting. Saw a lot of kickable/edible babies around though. Came back thoroughly bushed but washed my hair, researched a little then went to bed. Woke up in a daze this morning.