Choices.

Today was draining - both physically and emotionally.

Usual Saturday routine. Tried fixing up the Macs in the morning - no luck. Just can't seem to be able to crack the password!

On the way to music class, I was looking out the window of the bus and I realised that one of the few reasons I appreciate going for classes and going out in general is because I love to people watch and see the world around me go by. I like to see new roads and different faces and people doing their own things and leading their own lives. It's really cool and interesting and sitting in buses and trains is a wonderful way of doing it.

I love public transport.

Kind of a sad reason to want to get out of the house but I really find it very cool.

Music class was music class. Sang fairly well today. Next week I've got class with Q. Don't know how I feel about that. Don't care either.

I was all alone for dance class. The M was merciless. I danced for two hours straight without any breaks. Got scolded and picked on for not being able to keep up with the level of work I'm supposed to be doing now. At the end of class, I really thought I'd reached my breaking point - I thought I had had enough, I could keep up with all the pressure coming in from three angles. I just couldn't do it.

And then she drove that thought clean from my mind when she sat down with me and really talked. And I remembered why I used to love coming for class and even though I was never particularly good at dancing, I never resented it or hated it the way I do now. And though I may seem incredibly capable and able to handle many things at once, I'm just as vulnerable as the next person. In fact, maybe more because I expose myself to a much larger group of people and I do so willingly too. I used to think that that would be something to hide and not show people because it showed that I was weak but now I think that all it proves is that I'm human.

But it takes a great deal of strength to accept that and I don't have that..yet.

At some point I must sit down and prioritise. I can't be everything at once and I can't be the person the school, SC, my parents, my dance teacher and my friends want me to be. I can only be me.

But I don't even KNOW who me is.

I guess I'm lucky to have such an understanding dance teacher who gets what I'm going through and who is supportive. I mean which dance teacher says, "it's okay if you pick music over dance, so long as you do what you feel is best for you I'll support you"? To me, that's crazy. To tell a student of 11 year who is thiiisss close to finishing up this stage and the exam that it's okay to take a break and maybe prioritise another subject before dance and then STILL provide reassurance is unbelievable. Especially when the teacher is so passionate about dance herself.

I miss how I used to be - but I think it's really one or the other and now there's no turning back.

The thing is that it's all nice to say I should make my own choices and live my life the way I want to but when I DO make the decision I have so many people to answer to and I just don't have the energy to put up with that anymore.

Especially not from Ma and Pa.

Came home, tired but feeling a little better.