That's just the way you are.

"Not that i dont wanna talk to you but yeah just go away."

I mean, why start a conversation then?

--

Was reading through some really old posts and ew my writing was so juvenile then! And my English sucked. The grammar was wrong, punctuation was terrible and I USED ABBREVIATIONS.

I still can't get over how bad it was. At least my spelling was good heh.

--

A friend sent me this about herself some time ago:

You envy others, but you are also confident about youself. Sometimes you wish you could be confident about yourself without the marks. You clean before other people come over, even though you are typically a mess.

You dress up or wear revealing clothing, show off your tan, tattoos and body because you feel like it will get attention and make you feel worth something. Sexiness is something you value but you really want to be admired for your heart.

You want someone to see through the masks and love you for you but you don't know who that person is and you fear opening up to someone because you don't want to be hurt. You wish you could be like somone else. Trade places for just a say, to see what it's like to be perfect. You like lists and getting things done but you rarely finish what you start.

You want to be loved, so badly, for who are you are and you're jut waiting for the right person yo show you that it's okay to be who you were meant to be and not who you are always trying to be.

____ says: it's so trueeeeeeeeee

I was thinking about it and though some of it is very generic and isn't true, there are one or two lines that are scarily accurate. My friend is one of sweetest persons I've ever met except that sometimes people take advantage of her niceness. The poor girl ): She has way too much of a conscience and is always SO worried that sometimes I want to tell her to CHILL, loosen up, relax and I get tense just watching her be tense.

--

You know that day when it all ended, the reason I said what I said was because you were being an insufferable know-it-all. I said those things because I wanted you know that I wasn't the pushover you think I am. I'm not as 'easy-to-read' as you like to think I am. You're no great shakes at reading people. I let you think what you think because you're living in your own tiny deluded world where you're the best, the most awesome, the one everyone's dying to be friends with and I didn't want to burst your little bubble because I liked you. I though you were funny, nice company, a little odd to talk to but still fun. I LET you know me do you undestand that? The reason you understand my pauses, my responses, the way I punctuate is not because you're very observant but it's because I told you. It was my way of letting you get to know me better and you could've reuturned the favours. I thought you did for a while, but obviously the things that were revealed in the converstion that day made it clear that you wanted me to know only one side of you.

Did any of those things that I said, hurt you at all? You carelessly flung those words without thinking, did you have ANY idea the impact they had on me? Th th st ha o m?

Do. You. Care. About. Anyone. Apart. From. Yourself?

I cannot deny that you treat me well, but you don't care for me.

And who are you to protect me? Who do you think you are anyway? It is NOT your job to make decisions for me. You have NO RIGHT to say what I should or shouldn't or do, what I should like, where I should go. When there was nothing, you had a chance to make it something because the power lay in your hands. You and I both know that whatever decision I came to, it would have no bearing, no effect because you were the one holding back and you dragged it for so goddamn long that I gave up. Outwardly at least. And I told you that but of course that was your escape route wasn't it? Because before I could even explain or elaborate, you had come to your own conclusions and you gave me your whole 'I am so relieved' dialogue.

Can you imagine even for a second, how I would've felt?

You came to a decision seemed to be very clear judging by the way you were behaving towards me and others after that. There I was battling w m e because I had no idea what was running through your head and every waking moment was spent thinking about what could happen and just as I was getting a response, you turn around and say this.

It ended as soon as it began.

You know that the problem is, the problem is that the cs are accessible.

No, no more.

I don't need to remember them, or have a record. I don't need them for explanation either. All they make me feel is cold, shrivelled up and dead inside. It's a constant reminder of a lost chance, of a ruined friendship.

I needed a day to clear my head and really think about things. Guess this has been my release in a way.

I shall not speak of this anymore.

--

I change things

you don't understand.

I tell lies

you are confused.

I make you believe what I

want (you to believe).

I want you to know me but I

don't (give you a chance to).

You're going to

ask, I know.

And the cycle wil continue.

Except this time,

you will know

too.

I don't want yo

hurt you (again?).

--

Trust me that wasn't my attempt at poetry. (I can't write poems for nuts. Nice ones, that is heh) I just felt like saying it with all those funny breaks because there are so many words in between that I just don't want to fill in.