Coward.

I realised that the one thing I really like to do is hide.

--

I miss you, I miss you miss you miss you. Reading that yesterday really put things into perspective for me. No one should be lonely, no one. I mean much as I dislike you and have arguments with you and think you're a major failure, you still are a huge presence in my life and now that you're not here, I feel really quite empty. I mean when N is gone, it really makes no difference (and yes you're right, no one should be that redundant) but when you're gone, there's this huge gaping hole. And strangely, it's not because I need you but more because I want you (ew I feel funny saying this). If I had needed you then I'd have missed you the second you were gone but I'm old enough now. Old enough to take care of myself, to take care of other people, why even run a household and until yesterday I didn't miss you at all. True you were always at the back of my mind and I did remember you but miss? Nah. Even though I cannot talk to you (or maybe I'm just not willing) and I find you rude, overbearing and obnoxious you're still the first person I turn to for comfort. This year's taught me that family really is family and nothing can replace that.

Gosh I'm sounding so sappy.

Maybe you've just brainwashed me really really well or maybe over the years I've just begun to like you even though you're mean, cruel and evil. Heh.

--

Everyone went back to their schools today. I didn't. Kind of sad to think that an entire decade had no impact on me at all.

Today was Be Yourself Day at school. Everyone came dressed as something cool. I came as myself - an anti-social, miserable kid.

I don't know why I've been feeling this way. I mean, I really have no reason to. I'm over it, there's been no major conflict, I'm fine with my friends. Things should be looking up in fact.

I think it's mainly because I can't get over what you said because it really destroyed the impression I had of myself.

And it's getting way to obvious. EVERYONE'S asking if I'm okay and if I say I'm not, then I have to explain but I don't know what to say because I don't know the reason myself.

(Isn't it ironic that the person who is most concerned about my well-being is the very same person who caused the pain in the first place)

My head's still pounding and my throat is sore. My tongue is white and disgusting ew ew ew. I really want to sleep ):

Not looking foward to tomorrow anymore. That upsets me.