What the hell is going on S?

I haven't mentioned the PTM yet simply because I didn't want to relive everything all over again.

But I think I need to have a talk with myself.

I need to know what the hell is going on in my own head.

Every year, my mother faithfully goes for the PTM and every year she comes back with almost the same responses. It is usually the language teachers who have something complimentary to say and the other teachers just try to couch their critique in a nice manner. But of course, my mother always sees through all that jazz and I come home to a earful of comments.

This year, however, it's panned out particularly badly. And more so because of the examples and specific comparisons made by almost every single teacher my mother met that day.

And it made me feel like shit.

Truly, utterly worthless.

I know I'm not as good as _, but to hear it from a person in authority makes it a zillion times worse.

This year I've been incredibly distracted, tied up with too many things and just not focused but it is not something that is incredibly worrying or terrifying - it is just more exaggerated this year than in previous years. What IS worrying, however, is the fact that my teachers don't see a light at the end of the tunnel for me unlike the other years. I can't get by cruising easily like I have for the past 11 years of my life. Things have always worked out for me in the end. Everything's been smooth sailing and this time I'm in deep deep DEEP trouble because that doesn't seem to be the case.

Okay so the path forward looks clear: focus, cut down on the extra stuff and study smart and hard. But the thing is - I'm stuck. I'm committed. I can't pull out of anything now and everything requires something more and more and more and I don't know where or how to stop.

I don't have any help.

And I've never felt more alone in my entire life.

But hey! Who cares.